Thursday, October 20, 2011
The Evolution of a Conversation
Just last night as I was trying to study with a friend we hit a point in our conversations where we had to stop and scratch our heads and say, "How did we get here?" Needless to say studying is hard when you have better things to talk about.
Click on the insanity to enlarge
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Reasons Why I Might Be The Worst Roomate Evar
This is me.
A simple girl trying to win the game of life.
Which always seemed to give me twins when I landed on one of those surprise Life Token spots. Despite my aversion to children I always took them in and let them run around my Split-level house. Eh, child services would be there in a couple weeks to collect them anyways.
(Side note: I always avoided picking the accountant as a job because they looked like insufferable, balding, weirdos who enjoyed the stress of calculating numbers.For many reasons, not including my dislike for youngens, I've concluded that I may just be the worst roommate ever. So here's a list cause I know every loves those things.
1. One time I made a tuna fish sandwich and ate it in my shared room. Let's just say that Tuna E. Smell hung out with us for a while.
2. I frequently stay up late doing whatever. The other night after my roommate turned off the lights and asked me as I was gazing intensely into my laptop screen what I was doing.
"Makin a chart," I replied evenly like this was a normal thing to be doing.
"You always stay up doing the weirdest things," my roommate accused.
"Yeah." I sighed in agreement. But that late night excursion produced that lovely chart below this post. I'd say it was worth it.
3. I was the first to set off the fire alarm. Luckily since I've set it off so many times at home I knew just what to do-- flap a towel at the thing like you're a freaking matador. Luckily my cheese toast still tasted good after I extracted it from its burnt shell.
4. Sometimes I call my roommate Honey Bunch, Sugar Cup, Pumpkin, and Sweetums. But never sweetheart. I would give someone one of my fire-breathing hamsters if they could remove the word sweetheart permanently from existence.
5. I could never save Peach from Bowzer. Oh and those goomba things always ganged up on me.
6. I change outfits like 5 times a day. I can't explain how or why this happens, but it does. See number 9.
7. I sometimes listen to Elvis's All Shook Up and shimmy. [ Like right now ]
7. I sometimes listen to Elvis's All Shook Up and shimmy. [ Like right now ]
8. I have a lot of weird trinkets just hanging around our room.
The Buff is from South Dakota and is one of my favorite things.
The woven octopus is something awesome a friend made for me back home.
I love Indiana Jones and that is an old popcorn bucket that I use for storage.
The dreamcatcher is something sweet I think my dad made. But as you can see Justin Bieber
in the background(from roommates side) my roommate and I's tastes aren't exactly simpatico.
The woven octopus is something awesome a friend made for me back home.
I love Indiana Jones and that is an old popcorn bucket that I use for storage.
The dreamcatcher is something sweet I think my dad made. But as you can see Justin Bieber
in the background(from roommates side) my roommate and I's tastes aren't exactly simpatico.
I really wouldn't mind just wading through piles of stuff just to get to my bed or like deep sea diving just to find my shoes. Or even wearing my room as a skirt. Oh the possibilities.
10. I hate cleaning my dishes. Especially since our sink smells like Yellowstone. In fact I wouldn't be too surprised if a geyser shot out of the drain... we clog it a lot.
11. I'm very afraid of the dark. Actually back home I had a set of rules I'd follow before bed. My closet would be closed. No mirrors were allowed in there and I had a night light always on. One of the first things my roommate says to me: "I have to have complete darkness when I sleep."
.... "I was about to say," *pushes the nightlight under the bed with foot* "the same."
She's lucky that light comes in from the porch otherwise I'd have brought out my torch of a nightlight that changes different colors. [ps my room has both an open closet and a huge mirror in it :(]
12. I refuse to like Justin Bieber {the one hanging up in our room in that picture up above. Sigh} Taylor Swift, and country period. Although I did enjoy the film about Biebs, Never Say Never. I have respect for that little twerp.
13. I have to go potty a lot, which is more of a random fact about me, but the fact that I say I have to go potty counts against me.
So those are my main points of why I'm a sucky roommate. I have yet to compile a list of Pros to having me a roommate.
How about I start right now.
1. My dazzling smile....
.... "I was about to say," *pushes the nightlight under the bed with foot* "the same."
She's lucky that light comes in from the porch otherwise I'd have brought out my torch of a nightlight that changes different colors. [ps my room has both an open closet and a huge mirror in it :(]
12. I refuse to like Justin Bieber {the one hanging up in our room in that picture up above. Sigh} Taylor Swift, and country period. Although I did enjoy the film about Biebs, Never Say Never. I have respect for that little twerp.
13. I have to go potty a lot, which is more of a random fact about me, but the fact that I say I have to go potty counts against me.
So those are my main points of why I'm a sucky roommate. I have yet to compile a list of Pros to having me a roommate.
How about I start right now.
1. My dazzling smile....
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
What I Miss Most
I've created a chart to describe how much I miss, or don't miss certain things from living at home. I think it speaks for itself:
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| If your struggling to read it, just click on it to enlarge it. |
Monday, October 10, 2011
Go Insane Go Insane Throw Some Glitter Make it Rain!
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| Diaper bag which seems to be marketed towards pregnant tweens | . Tsk tsk. |
I was practically fuming when I picked up one of my roommates scissors and saw that it had some delicate flower pattern on the handles. Honestly, what is a pair of flowery scissors going to say about us? Why do we need a freaking pair of scissors to express ourselves?!
If you just go through you morning routine you'll start to notice how everything you own has to say something about yourself.
Towel: Turquoise, because my towel has to be cute to wipe myself dry with. It's like rubbing cuteness all over yourself.
Underwear: honestly
Socks: don't get me started. Some odd girl in one of my classes shared this about herself "I always wear mismatched socks..." With just five words I stuck her into the "your an idiot" category. And this is was a moment when we were supposed to share something special about ourselves, not that we have an evil washing machine that likes to eat our socks. Also toesocks BLECH, oh and those nasty toeshoes, I can't even handle those.
Car keys: I have a bunch of key chains, not because I like them, but because once my dad got me one and then from then on somehow everyone in the world thought that I loved to collect key chains. But you know that Hawaiian flip-flop with my name it was just a great present. Then you've got your lanyard, and I also once had a key that was hawaiin themed (again I don't necessary liked this theme, but someone thought I did).
School Supplies: Think about it, you know you were looking for an Orlando Bloom folder the last time you were in Walmart. It's like we have this compulsion to have customized EVERYTHING. It never ends. Then you've got your freaking backpacks that have like odd themes like skulls that wear pink bows and of course let's not forget the Disney princesses.
Then there's all your electronics that you have to have a leopard skin for. Oh and let's not forgot the Bob Marley styled headphones.
I know it's fun to have cool stuff, but after awhile it gets tiresome. So I think if I every see a red door with skulls and crossbows and hearts and stars and emo wings and the ed hardy signature I'll freaking paint it black!!
Unemployment
This blog was originally going to be about my life as a bagger at a grocery store. Mostly because I think groceries house some of the weirdest people, workers and customers alike. Why is there such an interesting crossbreed of people working in these institutions?
Probably because most people don't actually want to work there. Everyone that works in a grocery store is 79% weird. Exception: Me.
After a series of huge life changes I am 240 miles away from home at some random college, jobless and basically friendless.
Now that I'm not a bagger anymore, it's a good thing really, I'm literally just bumming around in my apartment. My free time has shot through the roof and my homework time has been swallowed up by the endless vortex of Netflix.
Now that I have more free time than I can handle I can't seem to find time to do homework. Oh the irony hurts me. Free time has become my personal demon. For example today I had a paper that was due by four PM.
Instead of being a prim and proper student and submitting it the day before, I was watching reality t.v. until I had about two and a half hours left to finish it.
It's like Netflix, Hulu, and Youtube are like drugs to me. They're slowly sucking away my soul. Seriously i was the best student in high school. Now I'm some freaking burnout that has fried brains. It's like I need a stressful life to force me to prioritize everything.
With an endless amount of time I always wait until twelve at night to finally start that freaking Anthropology reading about potlatches and gifting.
Anyways, this is clearly not good for me, and if anyone, ANYONE would like to help me out, freaking offer me a job!
Probably because most people don't actually want to work there. Everyone that works in a grocery store is 79% weird. Exception: Me.
After a series of huge life changes I am 240 miles away from home at some random college, jobless and basically friendless.
Now that I'm not a bagger anymore, it's a good thing really, I'm literally just bumming around in my apartment. My free time has shot through the roof and my homework time has been swallowed up by the endless vortex of Netflix.
Now that I have more free time than I can handle I can't seem to find time to do homework. Oh the irony hurts me. Free time has become my personal demon. For example today I had a paper that was due by four PM.
Instead of being a prim and proper student and submitting it the day before, I was watching reality t.v. until I had about two and a half hours left to finish it.
It's like Netflix, Hulu, and Youtube are like drugs to me. They're slowly sucking away my soul. Seriously i was the best student in high school. Now I'm some freaking burnout that has fried brains. It's like I need a stressful life to force me to prioritize everything.
With an endless amount of time I always wait until twelve at night to finally start that freaking Anthropology reading about potlatches and gifting.
Anyways, this is clearly not good for me, and if anyone, ANYONE would like to help me out, freaking offer me a job!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
The Uniform
As awesome as being a bagger is not many girls will voluntarily do the kind of work I did. I was one girl among about eighteen guy baggers. Sexist? Perhaps. I'm pretty sure I was hired just so I could clean the girl's bathroom. Somewhat because girls are always frequenting all girl's bathrooms everywhere, but mostly because the guys just refused to even try to clean it.
I don't blame them, I didn't ever want to peep into the boys bathroom to see if the coast was clear and accidentally see something... horrible.
Anyways, this job was basically a boys job. Not the bagging part, but the grueling work of pulling carts in hour after hour. I have to say after a year of doing this I was starting to go insane. It's like the joke about mailmen going postal because the mail never stops. PEOPLE NEVER STOP SHOPPING!
During the summer because we had to push in freaking carts under the mother freaking rays of the radiant sun we were allowed one wardrobe change: shorts.
Now there are two things you need to realize about this development, I was already self conscious about being the only girl bagger there and my uniform was already hideous without adding awkward length shorts to the huddle.
I was basically cross-dressing all summer long because girls shorts were too slutty to wear at work. My heck, it was not a fun experience. I looked ridiculous with those black baggy shorts, a long apron that flirted with the edge of the shorts, and my big clunky sketchers with gleaming white socks.
So wearing this mess of a uniform with a nasty polyester red button up shirt and pulled back ponies for most work days it didn't make me feel good when a customer called me sir.
I kid you not, I was called sir. Twice.
I'm sure the next day I doubled up on the eyeliner and mascara.
That nasty uniform really makes me cringe. It let no part of my curvy figure slip through for even an inch. With no female figure in sight I can perhaps see why someone might just think I'm some nasty boy--especially if it was after cart duty. Every ounce of beauty that I brought with me to work, which was not very much, I lost in my pursuit of carts in the heat of the day, melting my beauty away.
Just think about all this in a sort of point system:
points for wearing cute clothes: - 3 I wore a nasty uniform
points for cute hair: -1 it was always up, but props for always having bangs to help
points for smelling good: -5 carts. heat. enough said.
points for looking good: 1 only positive category, always wore makeup - however droopy or melty it might have looked at the end of the day
skin: -3 always had a red face
general appearance: -6 this was not a good look for me.
gender confusion: - 8 I never thought i would ever fall into this category
So all these points add up to: -25which puts me into like the hairy Troll category.
Basically all sense of dignity I had disappeared everyday I had to work. Only wearing my hair down or having it curly could even bring me up to a higher echelon like a chimpanzee's butt.
If you wanted to see a freak show, little did you know that an ogre worked at smiths.
 |
| Good idea of what my uniform was like, except with a red shirt. |
Anyways, this job was basically a boys job. Not the bagging part, but the grueling work of pulling carts in hour after hour. I have to say after a year of doing this I was starting to go insane. It's like the joke about mailmen going postal because the mail never stops. PEOPLE NEVER STOP SHOPPING!
During the summer because we had to push in freaking carts under the mother freaking rays of the radiant sun we were allowed one wardrobe change: shorts.
Now there are two things you need to realize about this development, I was already self conscious about being the only girl bagger there and my uniform was already hideous without adding awkward length shorts to the huddle.
I was basically cross-dressing all summer long because girls shorts were too slutty to wear at work. My heck, it was not a fun experience. I looked ridiculous with those black baggy shorts, a long apron that flirted with the edge of the shorts, and my big clunky sketchers with gleaming white socks.
So wearing this mess of a uniform with a nasty polyester red button up shirt and pulled back ponies for most work days it didn't make me feel good when a customer called me sir.
I kid you not, I was called sir. Twice.
I'm sure the next day I doubled up on the eyeliner and mascara.
That nasty uniform really makes me cringe. It let no part of my curvy figure slip through for even an inch. With no female figure in sight I can perhaps see why someone might just think I'm some nasty boy--especially if it was after cart duty. Every ounce of beauty that I brought with me to work, which was not very much, I lost in my pursuit of carts in the heat of the day, melting my beauty away.
 |
| A good gauge of my daily work appearance. |
points for wearing cute clothes: - 3 I wore a nasty uniform
points for cute hair: -1 it was always up, but props for always having bangs to help
points for smelling good: -5 carts. heat. enough said.
points for looking good: 1 only positive category, always wore makeup - however droopy or melty it might have looked at the end of the day
skin: -3 always had a red face
general appearance: -6 this was not a good look for me.
gender confusion: - 8 I never thought i would ever fall into this category
So all these points add up to: -25which puts me into like the hairy Troll category.
Basically all sense of dignity I had disappeared everyday I had to work. Only wearing my hair down or having it curly could even bring me up to a higher echelon like a chimpanzee's butt.
If you wanted to see a freak show, little did you know that an ogre worked at smiths.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Insane Titles
Because I bag so much I am starting to notice peculiar things. Like for instance the names of all the ice cream flavors. I can't help but chuckle, there are all these crazy names that make no sense- kinda like the names of crayons.
Here is weird ice cream name # 1. Vividly Vanilla
I saw this gem today and smirked to myself. As far as I know, vivid is not an adjective you use to describe taste. Or ice cream. So unless I open the lid and am blinded by the vivid whiteness of the vanilla ice cream, I will not be impressed. (It's actually kind of retarded that they would name it vivid vanilla because vivid means colorful and white is most obviously not colorful, and is basically the antonym for the word colorful. Basically the people at that company are either idiots, or immigrants from China or India.).
I know what they were going for. They wanted a fun name that would make an alliteration with the word vanilla.
Below I have compiled a list of names that are all potentially better than Vividly Vanilla.
(Say all these coming up paragraphs in a super excited salesperson voice)
Vivacious vanilla! So lively and packed with mutant radioactive junk called MSG!(major supernatural gunk) it might crawl into your bowl for you! Don't worry about about getting a spoon to eat it, it will automatically jump into your mouth and wallow around in your hot tub of spit and chill out for a while. ..
Also comes in Vaccine vanilla, (Never has drugging your hyper bouncing off the walls children with horse tranquilizer been quite so tasty and mess free!)
Vague Vanilla (never has an ice cream tasted so good on the tip of your tongue (like you vaguely remember? anyways that's where that joke was headed))
Vain Vanilla- Watch out, it might look better than you after you've eaten thirty pounds of it and your muscles turn into marshmallow delight, your blood stream turns into melted moose tracks(our ultimate goal!) and your brain, a cluster of rocky road peanuts and fudge sauce. *addicting qualities are in no ways like the drugs heroin or cocaine ;)
Vampire Vanilla - This makes no sense! But we thought since you like vampires you might like to try this! (Additional charge for unknown veins of red to be added. It might be just food coloring! It might not!)
Vandalizing Vanilla!- That kroger related picture of ice cream on the side of that train car was not caused by us! Rather a supportive fan base!
Vaporizing Vanilla! - Wow! Never has vanilla been so action packed and child-learning based! Learn the basics of chemistry and how to treat chemical burns all at the same time! *vaporizing vanilla will self combust when reacted with the following compounds and elements: oxygen, metal spoon, slobbery tongue, and plastic bowl
Varmit Vanilla! - If you like to taste of vermin and roadkill, boy do we have the product for you, in freezer friendly form! *only available in the south
Vasectomy Vanilla - What a great present for your husband or friend going through a rough time! *hallmark get well from your vasectomy cards are 50 cents off with purchase
Veggie Vanilla - don't tell your kids what our secret ingredient is! (squash!) *also great for vegetarians looking for that extra healthy serving
Velcro Vanilla - we're secretly using that word to advertise for a company paying us to do it! We also have velcro shoe bits and shoe laces added in just for fun!
Ventriloquist Vanilla- where is that voice coming from?
Vendetta Vanilla- Why not?
Vat Vanilla!- okay sorry, I've gone a little overboard, but the truth is, if that stupid name made me do all that, there is basically something wrong with it.
#2 Ice cream culprit: Denali Extreme Maximum Moose Tracks
Okay I'm tired so I'm only going to say a little bit about this one. First of all I don't think either extreme or maximum need to be words included in an ice cream title. Like when does ice cream need to be so crazy and insane? second of all, pick one or the other, not both, not right next to each other, and basically whoever this advertiser is, working for this company needs to be drowned in an extreme maximum vat of Vendetta Vanilla! (Why not?).
I saw this gem today and smirked to myself. As far as I know, vivid is not an adjective you use to describe taste. Or ice cream. So unless I open the lid and am blinded by the vivid whiteness of the vanilla ice cream, I will not be impressed. (It's actually kind of retarded that they would name it vivid vanilla because vivid means colorful and white is most obviously not colorful, and is basically the antonym for the word colorful. Basically the people at that company are either idiots, or immigrants from China or India.).
I know what they were going for. They wanted a fun name that would make an alliteration with the word vanilla.
Below I have compiled a list of names that are all potentially better than Vividly Vanilla.
(Say all these coming up paragraphs in a super excited salesperson voice)
Vivacious vanilla! So lively and packed with mutant radioactive junk called MSG!(major supernatural gunk) it might crawl into your bowl for you! Don't worry about about getting a spoon to eat it, it will automatically jump into your mouth and wallow around in your hot tub of spit and chill out for a while. ..
Also comes in Vaccine vanilla, (Never has drugging your hyper bouncing off the walls children with horse tranquilizer been quite so tasty and mess free!)
Vague Vanilla (never has an ice cream tasted so good on the tip of your tongue (like you vaguely remember? anyways that's where that joke was headed))
Vain Vanilla- Watch out, it might look better than you after you've eaten thirty pounds of it and your muscles turn into marshmallow delight, your blood stream turns into melted moose tracks(our ultimate goal!) and your brain, a cluster of rocky road peanuts and fudge sauce. *addicting qualities are in no ways like the drugs heroin or cocaine ;)
Vampire Vanilla - This makes no sense! But we thought since you like vampires you might like to try this! (Additional charge for unknown veins of red to be added. It might be just food coloring! It might not!)
Vandalizing Vanilla!- That kroger related picture of ice cream on the side of that train car was not caused by us! Rather a supportive fan base!
Vaporizing Vanilla! - Wow! Never has vanilla been so action packed and child-learning based! Learn the basics of chemistry and how to treat chemical burns all at the same time! *vaporizing vanilla will self combust when reacted with the following compounds and elements: oxygen, metal spoon, slobbery tongue, and plastic bowl
Varmit Vanilla! - If you like to taste of vermin and roadkill, boy do we have the product for you, in freezer friendly form! *only available in the south
Vasectomy Vanilla - What a great present for your husband or friend going through a rough time! *hallmark get well from your vasectomy cards are 50 cents off with purchase
Veggie Vanilla - don't tell your kids what our secret ingredient is! (squash!) *also great for vegetarians looking for that extra healthy serving
Velcro Vanilla - we're secretly using that word to advertise for a company paying us to do it! We also have velcro shoe bits and shoe laces added in just for fun!
Ventriloquist Vanilla- where is that voice coming from?
Vendetta Vanilla- Why not?
Vat Vanilla!- okay sorry, I've gone a little overboard, but the truth is, if that stupid name made me do all that, there is basically something wrong with it.
Okay I'm tired so I'm only going to say a little bit about this one. First of all I don't think either extreme or maximum need to be words included in an ice cream title. Like when does ice cream need to be so crazy and insane? second of all, pick one or the other, not both, not right next to each other, and basically whoever this advertiser is, working for this company needs to be drowned in an extreme maximum vat of Vendetta Vanilla! (Why not?).
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